Miscellaneous Stuff of Greatness

8:09PM - Uma Thurman for the win

12:17AM

Dear people who make football management games,

Why don't you consider these great ideas for games:

-Filling Out A Tax Return
-Filling Out A Tax Return Expansion: Applying for your Australian Business Number
-Waiting for the 392
-Standing Quietly
-Doing a Commerce degree
-Will and Grace

You can even expand your business into other areas of the entertainment industry:

-Yellow Pages: The Musical
-The Complete GoLo Ads in 12 Volumes
-The Tap That Won't Stop Dripping: Greatest Hits

2:41PM

I got a job sorting company constitutions and deeds. My hands are now covered in papercuts from a million copies of Application To Register As An Australian Company. It's as dull as it sounds, but the pay is good ($18 per hour) and the boss is friendly.

9:44PM - Why I'm smarter than Spider-Man 2

So there's this train hurtling into the ocean at full speed with the brakes gone. Spider-Man, in all his hyphenated glory, has to stop it by shooting webs into the nearby buildings and so on.

Why doesn't the driver just go to the other end of the train, to the other engine, and turn on those brakes? Or turn that engine on so that it pulls the train in the opposite direction?

10:37PM

I watched Hart's War. According to the movie, the Nazis - who brought you concentration camps like Auschwitz and Dachau - let American POWs courtmartial fellow prisoners. This made the movie slightly less believable than if the Germans spoke Hebrew. So here's what I think happened:

Studio Executive: "It's a war movie AND it's a lawyer movie. It HAS to make money. Can we fit in some lesbians too?"

Assistant: "Sir, it's a prisoner of war camp."

Studio Executive: "Nevermind."

1:05PM

Okay, that was highly bizarre. If I posted "The Earth is round," yesterday, would I also get a thread of comments? I posted a bazillion posts with no comments, and then all of a sudden everyone decides to have a say on how much money is too much money or who does and doesn't answer the phone. I got two comments that were actually related to the stupid drawings I drew. So next time, stick to the topic s'il vous plait. If you want to bitch and argue there's a place where you can go and do that. It's called politics.

4:27PM

Well, they called me back and said everything was fixed. It wasn't. Unless by "everything" they meant "nothing". And apparently I can't do it in person. There's no explanation as for why I can't. Maybe I am at risk of alligators. Maybe the required forms are guarded by ninjas. I'll just have to sit and wait for them to start doing their job.

But I just had to do this, a sequel to the previous thing.

1:04PM - New Superhero Movie

( In Cinemas Now )

12:14PM

"Yes, I'm having problems with re-enrolment."
"What kind problem?"
"Well, it says 'You do not have access to self enrol into this component study package'."
"That mean you have enrol in person!"
"But it says here 'Online re-enrolment November 15-20'. Why did you tell me to enrol online when the subjects require me to enrol in person?"
"So did you enrol in subject?"
"......As I said before, I can't enrol in subjects."
"Can I have your number so I ring you back?"
"(GIVES NUMBER) So what do I do?"
"I ring you back."

I think they outsourced their enrolment to Coles Myer.

11:34PM

Eighty-seven years ago, some people said, "It's one chance in a million, but this communism thing just might work." It didn't.

Let's hope no-one is dumb enough to try that again, even after Motorcycle Diaries comes out in cinemas. Are they gonna make one about Lenin?

Dear Diary,

I still can't find treatment for hairloss, or even a wig that fits. Aren't chicks supposed to dig bald guys?

8:54PM

Won $8.
Spent $10.

Still not sure how the horse betting system works or what a "Quinella" is. It's like a science, only one that's been developed in close consultation with a few bottles of whisky.

And I only got $7.20 instead of $8. I assume they take out 10% as taxes, or fees, or to buy airspace for all the big horseracing hats.

8:16PM

From an online application form:
Company Values

The way we conduct our business is just as important to us as the business itself, and to support this we have developed a set of core values.

Customer first

Courage

Team work

Excellence

Accountability



Courage? What exactly is so courageous about retail?

"Aye. Ye would say this laddie. Ye nae ken how I hae lost me wee pinky when yon cash register closed on it. Near lost me whole hand. And ye hae nae seen yon best friend forced tae work overtime. Aye. I ave spent many a day wondering when the madness will end. Wuid 'ave made Rear Admiral, but was dishonourably discharged as Night Fill Captain. Aye. Retail is nae for wee pansies."

5:43PM

( Hisself? It's 'himself' you stupid handwriting test. )

4:35PM

How come I didn't get newspaper coverage two years ago?

And if I was working there, I'd cover the 11 year old instead.

6:04PM - Stupid

11:25PM

Today I got a letter, which said that HECS has been renamed to HECS-HELP and, to celebrate, I'll have to fill out a form. If I don't send it back within 10 working days, they will make me watch the O.C. until my sex changes. So what did the form ask for to warrant such terrible punishment? Name, course, tax file number; top secret facts known only to me, my family, the university, the government and everyone who has ever received my resume.

So in conclusion, I would like to say the following:

Dear Government,

Is your budget surplus too small? Worried about pleasing your electorate? Here's a proven method that REALLY WORKS with 100% NO PILLS!!!11one
Ctrl+C
Ctrl+V

Sincerely,

5:12PM

Today I handed out my resume to a couple of shops in the city, thinking they may require casuals for Christmas. For Gowings, I had to fill out a whole test with questions like:
"Can you use a computer? Yes/No"
"If a $140 suit is sold at 10% off, what is its price?"
What do I have to do to become a CEO there? Work out the area of a triangle? Circle Spain on a map?

10:12PM

Wow, there are 570 French news about John Howard and only 130 about Jacques Derrida. So much for postmodernism.

8:45PM

Stupid people. Can't even vote right.

12:44PM

I meant to be super productive today, but instead I found out that according to Le Diet, my Body Mass Index is 20.6. Also, Rome: Total War is uploading way faster than it's being downloaded. There should be a BitTorrent Party promising complete equality of uploads and downloads.