Miscellaneous Stuff of Greatness

Uma Thurman for the win

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:14:12 GMT

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 13:33:22 GMT

Dear people who make football management games,

Why don't you consider these great ideas for games:

-Filling Out A Tax Return
-Filling Out A Tax Return Expansion: Applying for your Australian Business Number
-Waiting for the 392
-Standing Quietly
-Doing a Commerce degree
-Will and Grace

You can even expand your business into other areas of the entertainment industry:

-Yellow Pages: The Musical
-The Complete GoLo Ads in 12 Volumes
-The Tap That Won't Stop Dripping: Greatest Hits

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 03:42:15 GMT

I got a job sorting company constitutions and deeds. My hands are now covered in papercuts from a million copies of Application To Register As An Australian Company. It's as dull as it sounds, but the pay is good ($18 per hour) and the boss is friendly.

Why I'm smarter than Spider-Man 2

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 10:52:39 GMT

So there's this train hurtling into the ocean at full speed with the brakes gone. Spider-Man, in all his hyphenated glory, has to stop it by shooting webs into the nearby buildings and so on.

Why doesn't the driver just go to the other end of the train, to the other engine, and turn on those brakes? Or turn that engine on so that it pulls the train in the opposite direction?

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 11:52:40 GMT

I watched Hart's War. According to the movie, the Nazis - who brought you concentration camps like Auschwitz and Dachau - let American POWs courtmartial fellow prisoners. This made the movie slightly less believable than if the Germans spoke Hebrew. So here's what I think happened:

Studio Executive: "It's a war movie AND it's a lawyer movie. It HAS to make money. Can we fit in some lesbians too?"

Assistant: "Sir, it's a prisoner of war camp."

Studio Executive: "Nevermind."

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 02:25:31 GMT

Okay, that was highly bizarre. If I posted "The Earth is round," yesterday, would I also get a thread of comments? I posted a bazillion posts with no comments, and then all of a sudden everyone decides to have a say on how much money is too much money or who does and doesn't answer the phone. I got two comments that were actually related to the stupid drawings I drew. So next time, stick to the topic s'il vous plait. If you want to bitch and argue there's a place where you can go and do that. It's called politics.

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 05:42:28 GMT

Well, they called me back and said everything was fixed. It wasn't. Unless by "everything" they meant "nothing". And apparently I can't do it in person. There's no explanation as for why I can't. Maybe I am at risk of alligators. Maybe the required forms are guarded by ninjas. I'll just have to sit and wait for them to start doing their job.

But I just had to do this, a sequel to the previous thing.

New Superhero Movie

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 02:06:07 GMT

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 01:23:35 GMT

"Yes, I'm having problems with re-enrolment."
"What kind problem?"
"Well, it says 'You do not have access to self enrol into this component study package'."
"That mean you have enrol in person!"
"But it says here 'Online re-enrolment November 15-20'. Why did you tell me to enrol online when the subjects require me to enrol in person?"
"So did you enrol in subject?"
"......As I said before, I can't enrol in subjects."
"Can I have your number so I ring you back?"
"(GIVES NUMBER) So what do I do?"
"I ring you back."

I think they outsourced their enrolment to Coles Myer.

Sun, 07 Nov 2004 12:52:25 GMT

Eighty-seven years ago, some people said, "It's one chance in a million, but this communism thing just might work." It didn't.

Let's hope no-one is dumb enough to try that again, even after Motorcycle Diaries comes out in cinemas. Are they gonna make one about Lenin?

Dear Diary,

I still can't find treatment for hairloss, or even a wig that fits. Aren't chicks supposed to dig bald guys?

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 10:00:35 GMT

Won $8.
Spent $10.

Still not sure how the horse betting system works or what a "Quinella" is. It's like a science, only one that's been developed in close consultation with a few bottles of whisky.

And I only got $7.20 instead of $8. I assume they take out 10% as taxes, or fees, or to buy airspace for all the big horseracing hats.

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 10:30:04 GMT

From an online application form:
Company Values

The way we conduct our business is just as important to us as the business itself, and to support this we have developed a set of core values.

Customer first

Courage

Team work

Excellence

Accountability

Courage? What exactly is so courageous about retail?

"Aye. Ye would say this laddie. Ye nae ken how I hae lost me wee pinky when yon cash register closed on it. Near lost me whole hand. And ye hae nae seen yon best friend forced tae work overtime. Aye. I ave spent many a day wondering when the madness will end. Wuid 'ave made Rear Admiral, but was dishonourably discharged as Night Fill Captain. Aye. Retail is nae for wee pansies."

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 07:44:48 GMT

From: www.handwritingwizard.com

Kirill is not facing something going on in his life today. He is deceiving hisself about it. Often, Kirill's opinion of hisself is different than those around him. This trait gives Kirill the ability to deny anything that does not agree with his "truth." This trait is not always something negative. It is only a defense mechanism allowing Kirill not to face some reality in his life at this time.

Kirill is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put hisself into the other person's shoes. Kirill will be somewhat moody, with lows and highs. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Kirill an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts hisself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Kirill is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Kirill is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.
People that write very large tend to be very social and friendly. It seems Kirill has this type of writing. This indicates a need for people and a particular natural ability to socialize and be the life of the party. Now, if Kirill also has specific fears (like fear of criticism or fear of trust) then he will deny he is the life of the party, because fear has overcome his natural inclination to be social. People with large handwriting tend to be effective at anything that requires interaction with lots of people. he is a people person.
Kirill has a desire for attention. People around Kirill will notice this need. He may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on his own character.

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 06:37:26 GMT

How come I didn't get newspaper coverage two years ago?

And if I was working there, I'd cover the 11 year old instead.

Stupid

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 08:05:04 GMT

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 13:26:23 GMT

Today I got a letter, which said that HECS has been renamed to HECS-HELP and, to celebrate, I'll have to fill out a form. If I don't send it back within 10 working days, they will make me watch the O.C. until my sex changes. So what did the form ask for to warrant such terrible punishment? Name, course, tax file number; top secret facts known only to me, my family, the university, the government and everyone who has ever received my resume.

So in conclusion, I would like to say the following:

Dear Government,

Is your budget surplus too small? Worried about pleasing your electorate? Here's a proven method that REALLY WORKS with 100% NO PILLS!!!11one
Ctrl+C
Ctrl+V

Sincerely,

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 07:22:13 GMT

Today I handed out my resume to a couple of shops in the city, thinking they may require casuals for Christmas. For Gowings, I had to fill out a whole test with questions like:
"Can you use a computer? Yes/No"
"If a $140 suit is sold at 10% off, what is its price?"
What do I have to do to become a CEO there? Work out the area of a triangle? Circle Spain on a map?

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 12:18:04 GMT

Wow, there are 570 French news about John Howard and only 130 about Jacques Derrida. So much for postmodernism.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 10:45:54 GMT

Stupid people. Can't even vote right.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 02:54:31 GMT

I meant to be super productive today, but instead I found out that according to Le Diet, my Body Mass Index is 20.6. Also, Rome: Total War is uploading way faster than it's being downloaded. There should be a BitTorrent Party promising complete equality of uploads and downloads.

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 13:40:52 GMT

Today I've spent about 12 hours at Uni. Why, you ask? And why didn't I do Engineering/Law instead?

In the morning I had to go to the ABC, which is right opposite the university, because I have to write a something-thousand-word report about about a current affairs program, how it is made, how it deals with objectivity and public interest and other stuff.

This was my second time visiting the ABC, and both times the security did something stupid. The first time they decided I was a Mrs, and today they thought my last name had too many letters. So they left some out and re-arranged the rest in no particular order. Such great security. "Well, that man sure was suspicious. Did I say man? I meant woman. Actually, it looked more like a giraffe. Or a battleship. And I think its name was Clarence. I'm pretty sure it was something starting with an 8."

It went pretty well. I expected them to say something like "Get the fuck out of my face, you'll never work in this town again!" but they didn't. Apparently, it takes five weeks for one guy to make a 48 minute radio documentary. So if you listen to the radio, you should appreciate the effort that goes into it.

I've also been reading La Reine Margot and it's amazing, because I understand almost everything. Now I can read in three languages. Sooo better than you.

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 13:23:00 GMT

My name is General Buff McMann. Every day I blow up something I am too retarded to appreciate. I have to make "controlled explosions" with real explosives because my penis doesn't work anymore.

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 09:19:35 GMT

I love the employment ads that say, "various disciplines," and when you click on them it says, "Civil Engineering, Electrical Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Mechatronic Engineering".

You mean you can do something else at uni?

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 14:24:17 GMT

Why are foreign names for German cities always better than the originals?

Warum sind den Auslandsnamen fur den Stadten Deutschlands immer besser als die deutschs Namen?

Wien = Vienna
Koln = Cologne
Aachen = Aix-la-Chappelle

Yes, I know Vienna is in Austria.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 03:42:13 GMT

Dr. Phil is an exact copy of my old careers adviser. He talks just like him, as if everyone else is an imbecile and he has the Answer to Everything. What is he a doctor of anyway? Social Work?

Thank you Dr. Phil. You said that every person has a "currency", something they are interested in. So I figured my four-year-old was interested in her toys.

Your four-year-old is interested in toys? No fucking shit. Way to use your reasoning skills. What else could she be interested in? The Dow Jones index? Car engines? Medieval Hungarian heroic poetry?

I think I'll become a celebrity TV psychologist and say obvious things like, "Babies are small" or "Food is for eating".